On Letting Go and Starting Over

I flipped my entire life upside down to be with my ex, become a bonus parent, and build my own version of a family. And in the process I lost myself and my business entirely.

Going into that relationship, I was ready for change. So when my ex explained that she still lived with her husband, who she wasn’t yet divorced from, and that they had a kid together, I wasn’t freaked out. Maybe I should’ve been, but I understood. She wasn’t totally out yet, she hadn’t seen the need to go through with a divorce yet. I figured she’d do it when she was ready, and she did. Honestly? I’ve always seen myself in a nontraditional situation, so the idea of joining this little family unit was exciting to me.

I fell in love quickly, and I took a leap. I moved in with them after only a couple months, and thus began the journey. Moving into an established home is not for the faint of heart. It’s a lot. Nothing feels like yours. We painted and decorated our bedroom together, which was nice, but it was the only part of the house I had any control over. I decided that was okay - add that to the list of ways I started losing myself.

I was working hard to grow my relationship with my partner, her ex-husband, and her 2-year-old. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t want to force Little Man to have a relationship with me. He didn’t know me. I was brand new on the scene and suddenly around all the time. We had some growing pains, he was territorial for a while, but slowly we made great progress. Eventually I was even chosen by him to put him to bed regularly. I became a fixture in his life, and he in mine. We grew to love each other. He called me his “owl parent” because he couldn’t pronounce “Allo parent” which was a term his dad gave me.

Things with my partner were, in some ways, great. But, also hard. She didn’t understand me in a lot of ways. I have a lot of neurodiversities and she never could quite grasp them. The communication gap felt vast sometimes. She crapped on things I loved more than once. She didn’t understand my business or why I wouldn’t just get a “normal” job.

Little by little I was being picked apart. I was never doing enough, being enough. I have some chronic physical disabilities. She’s a very physically active person. I kept up, but some how it was never good enough. I remember one night in particular she was upset because she was worried I wouldn’t be able to do the things she wanted to do, even though I’d been doing them. I had to listen, try to empathize, and comfort her, reassuring her I could do the things she wanted me to do. How fucked is that? She wasn’t worried about me and what I could or couldn’t do. She was worried about herself and what she may or may not miss out on.

She’d complain that she “felt disconnected” from me, but when I asked what needs weren’t being met, she had no answer. Once again, leading me to believe I just wasn’t doing enough. Meanwhile, my depression was worsening by the day until one day I finally had a total meltdown and said, “Maybe I should move back in with my mom.”

She agreed with no hesitation, under the guise of it being better for me to be in a “safe environment” to work through what I needed to work through. As if this home we were building wasn’t a safe space for me. I was struggling financially because I didn’t have the bandwidth to focus on my business. All my energy was going toward trying to build this life with her, and them. She didn’t like that I couldn’t contribute financially to the household at that point. I’d started applying for job after job in an attempt to placate her. Nothing was working. I wasn’t getting any of the jobs I applied for, and our relationship wasn’t getting any better.

So, I moved out. Depressed as ever, and confused about whether we were taking a break or breaking up, or staying together. It was a confusing time. But, she wanted to break up. She didn’t feel she could support me in any way through my depression and financial struggles. What more was there to say? I wanted to work it out. I wanted to fight for our relationship and she didn't. She’d been looking for a way out and I didn’t realize it.

I was begging her to fight for us, and she wouldn't. She started gaslighting me about my relationship with Little Man, saying, during the 10 or so months I lived there, I didn’t step up enough as a bonus parent. She said I wasn’t any closer to Little Man than any of her friends were. She used him as an excuse, making up her own narrative, because simply put - she didn’t want to be with me anymore.

I was gutted. Entirely. I loved her, I loved our little family. I flipped my whole life upside down for her, and it wasn’t enough. It was never going to be enough. I went careening down into the deepest depression I’ve ever been in. My anxiety was crushing. I couldn’t eat, I wasn’t able to sleep. I lost the ability to do much of anything. My therapist had me on suicide watch. My psychiatrist immediately put me on the suicide protocol treatments for Spravato, which is a type of ketamine treatment. My best friend and sister-in-law, C, talked to me day in and day out about what was going on. She listened, she stopped work to come pick me up and drive me around just to get me out of the house, she slept over. My brother jumped into action, blocking her from every part of my digital life, when 6 weeks after we broke up, my ex texted me to tell me she was dating a girl she started talking to before we even broke up. I received care packages from friends near and far. I was never alone, even when I was alone in my room sobbing for hours when I should’ve been sleeping.

I felt thrown away. I felt like I didn’t matter, that I was disposable. I felt like my financial situation made me unloveable. I felt hollowed out completely.

But, I kept doing the work. I went to my Spravato treatments twice a week. I went to therapy once a week with a check in between. I journaled every day. I took a lot of walks. I started doing yoga. I went through the Safe and Sound protocol. I did the work and even when I wasn’t sure if it was working, I kept doing the work and Little by little, I started returning to myself.

Slowly but surely I started coming out of the fog and rebuilding my life. Never again would I flip my life upside down for anyone, because I know now, that you shouldn’t have to do that to be with someone.

I discovered a new found drive to rebuild my business, Rooted Social Creative, working with business owners as a virtual assistant with a focus on tech and systems. And when I was ready, I signed on to do an NLP Breakthrough Session with a trauma therapist and coach named Brad. I’ll talk more about that in another post because it was truly transformational and everyone should do one.

I’ve learned a lot about myself throughout the last 5 months. I know, without a hint of doubt, that I will never make the same mistakes again that I did with my ex. I won’t flip my life upside down for someone. I won’t ignore red flags. I won’t mistake love bombing for actual love. I won’t allow someone to put me in a position where I have to prove myself again and again and again. I will not forget who the fuck I am. I will pay attention to my anxiety and what it’s trying to tell me. And I sure as fuck am worthy of Love, regardless of my financial status.

I’m not who I was before. She was great, but she’s long gone. I like to believe I kept all the good parts, and let all the parts that were holding me back go. I never want to go back to that dark of a place ever again, and I certainly would never wish it upon anyone, but I’m grateful for it now. I learned too much to have regrets. I wouldn’t change anything. I’m at peace now in a way I didn’t know was possible, and that’s more than I could’ve ever asked for.