Surviving Narcissistic Abuse: My Story
I’ve experienced narcissistic abuse not once, but twice—first with an overt narcissist, and then with a covert narcissist. If you’re unfamiliar with the difference (I was too before going through it), here’s a quick breakdown:
Overt Narcissists are loud, arrogant, and need constant attention.
Covert Narcissists are quieter, more passive-aggressive, and skilled at playing the victim. They crave validation, but you won’t see them boastful. Instead, they’re subtly manipulative, using guilt to get what they want.
These experiences shaped how I approach relationships—and life—moving forward. But one thing I want you to know upfront: what you went through wasn’t your fault. If you’re wondering why you didn’t “see the signs,” stop. Now you know, and now you can act from here.
My Experience with an Overt Narcissist
I was broken up with—discarded like I never mattered. Only after we split did I find out they had been cheating for our entire two-year relationship. I wish I could say I was angry enough to walk away immediately, but I wasn’t. Instead, I clung to the hope of getting back together, thinking maybe we could “rebuild” now that everything was out in the open.
But I was fooling myself. They’d already moved on, dating one of the people they’d been cheating with. Not long after, they gave the engagement ring they had planned for me to someone else. That was my breaking point. I saw red. I realized I was worth more, demanded they pay back what they owed, and cut ties. Seven years later, I haven’t spoken to them.
I did hear from the person they married, though. Predictably, my ex hadn’t changed; they continued cheating, leading to a divorce within a year. Remember: you’re not the reason they do this. This behavior isn’t about you—it’s about them, and they repeat it again and again.
My Experience with a Covert Narcissist
This one was harder to see coming. I’d flipped my life upside down for this person. I moved in, became a bonus parent to their toddler, and fully embraced their “non-traditional family.” But the cracks started to show in little ways. I constantly felt inadequate. My disabilities, both physical and mental, were subtly used against me. My partner cried one night, saying they feared my limitations would keep us from doing things they loved. I realized later they weren’t upset for me—they were upset for themselves.
They told me they felt “disconnected” without giving me any specifics about what I could do to fix it, making me feel like I was always falling short. Over time, my mental health took a nosedive. I was anxious, exhausted, and couldn’t focus on my work. When I finally suggested moving out to relieve some of the financial pressure, they agreed almost immediately.
Meanwhile, they’d started talking to a student of theirs outside of office hours—a situation that seemed innocent at first, but gradually crossed into territory I wasn’t comfortable with. My partner would text them late at night, and when I asked if they had feelings for this student, they denied it. Yet shortly after I moved out, they were officially dating.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (a common experience in people with ADHD) hit me hard. I felt an intense rejection like I’d never felt before. I tried to make things work, but they’d already moved on. Worse, they began gaslighting me about my relationship with their child, minimizing my role and claiming I was never as close to him as I’d thought. My therapist and my exes ex-spouse both pointed out the covert narcissism, but I’d been standing too close to see it.
Healing and Recovery
Surviving narcissistic abuse feels like having the rug pulled out from under you. The pain, the self-doubt, the endless “what ifs”—it’s brutal. But I was determined to rebuild. Here’s how I started:
Step 1: Go No-Contact
Within a month of the breakup, I blocked my ex on everything. I deleted our entire text thread and blocked them on all social media. Cutting them out of my life entirely was like finally taking a breath. If you can go no-contact, do it. It’s the first step in reclaiming yourself. If you can’t (e.g., because of children), establish strict boundaries and stick to them.
Step 2: Therapy, Therapy, Therapy
I was lucky to already be working with a therapist who knew me well. She collaborated with my psychiatrist to get me on a treatment plan to manage the depression and anxiety that had worsened. Therapy was vital in helping me recognize the patterns of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and how deeply I’d internalized it all. My support system—my brother, sister-in-law, and friends—helped carry me emotionally when I was too weighed down to carry myself. I wrote in my journal daily, drove aimlessly to clear my mind, and began piecing myself back together.
Step 3: Rebuilding Self-Trust
After two narcissistic relationships, I’d lost trust in myself. I kept wondering how I’d missed the signs. Rebuilding self-trust was crucial to my healing. I realized that while I needed to be vigilant in the future, the fault wasn’t mine. These relationships had eroded my confidence, but I am someone I can trust. I’ve put in the work on myself. I communicate honestly with my therapist, am self-aware, and am dedicated to continuous growth.
Redefining What Healthy Love Looks Like
Jumping from one relationship to the next without healing is a recipe for repeating the same mistakes. Through my recovery, I realized what I bring to the table and how much I’m worth. I knew that when I was ready to date again, I’d set boundaries from the beginning. And eventually, I met the love of my life. I’m writing this now, sitting next to her as she works on her own laptop. Knowing she’s here for me as I process and write about painful experiences reminds me how worthy I am of love—a love that’s real, reciprocal, and healing.
If you’re recovering from a narcissistic relationship, know that it’s a long road, but it’s one worth taking. You deserve a love that doesn’t diminish you. Take the steps to heal, reclaim your self-worth, and remember: your past doesn’t define you, but your journey forward is yours to create.
